and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
