a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
