At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's blow job season.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
