I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
