based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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