I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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