So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
