so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
