i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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