Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
