i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
