i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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