ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
