Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
