you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
