After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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