If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There's even glitter on my cock...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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