The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
