I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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