he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
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