Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You ruined the universe
Randomize
