What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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