nut hugger
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
