There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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