So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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