Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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