3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
