i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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