dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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