I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
