I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize