I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
