i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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