I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize