Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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