areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
