3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
