I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
