I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
