Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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