Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
