just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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