I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
