are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
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False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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