we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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