Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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