I just threw up on my dentist
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
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Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
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She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?