Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
