We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No subtext here. People are naked.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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