Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
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I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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