I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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