I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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