Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
