My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
