I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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