um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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