i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
